so near yet so far

two laptops
one room
two person
one invisible chasm
two hearts hurting
one person's mistake
mine

a scar so deep
it'll never heal
my hesitation
an eternal penance
for my carelessness
a heart broken
hers

a tug of war
a flood of memories
good and bad
but the bad
my mistakes
they haunt constantly
us

the gap
it grows
our hearts
they tore
her tears
they flow
and i stand helpless

solitude

i know the blog's meant to be left to rot, but tonite i just felt like writing. so type i shall....
beer, cigarettes and smokes, such lovely combo, lets thoughts free flow. music in background, blower's daughter on repeat.
within the span of a few months i have experienced more than my 26 years put together. confusion, pain, love, self hatred, struggle, change conflicts and whatever you name. and as i glance at my lovely wife asleep, that beautiful face, at innocent look that only happens once in a while, my heart just broke. the years, the emotional upheavals has taken their toll on her. she is broken, broken smile, broken wings, and at the point when she found hope in me, i had let her down. she loathes me, she wants to leave all these behind, all because of one major error that i've made, a mistake that i know i will be paying penance for the rest of my life.
blower's daughter is our song, for those reading my blog, whoever you are, wherever you are, read the lyrics, listen to the song and the emotions in it, and you will see the struggles of this relationship. i always equate it to the most beautiful thing in a store you have ever seen, and yet so fragile that you fear breaking it, never did i know that my walking away has already broken it. i wanna start all over again, but time runs in only one direction. there is no looking back for hurt caused, words, cruel words spoken in selfishness. for that, i detest myself. that mistake ranks as the greatest regret in my life.
she had a hard day, stuff she wanna get, but somehow it just did not happen due to bad planning, or lack of budget. she dropped something on my laptop and i gave her once of those stare that makes her scared. i hate how aggressive i can look.
flowers, surprises, what next? i want to keep her happy, i have never been such a retard in my life before, simple act to buying flowers was also screwed up. i need to reinvent myself, to make myself the man she needs. i love her, so much so it hurts, but i have never felt so alive. shelly, i love you.

blog to be left to rot

notice to all: this blog shall be suspended till further notice.

i love my wife and i want her back

status: away (busy reinventing myself to woo my wife back)

the blower's daughter

the blower's daughter

and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skies
i can't take my eyes off of you
and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time
and so it is
the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial
i can't take my eyes off of you
did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to
leave it all behind?
i can't take my mind off of you
my mind
'til I find somebody new

song

last morn i took off my shoes, and slipped on shelly's instead. i wanted to be in her shoes this morn, and i took one of her songs that she loved and oft listened to when she's upset. lyrics in hand, headphones and let the song takes is cause. a song about loved lost, never to return. i listened intently, studying every nuances, every note, every emotion carried through that song. then i marry that up with what i knew about her past. i had a glimpse of what she felt, the emotions that sweeps across my heart. for a moment, if i ever could, i would, breakdown and cry, but bounded by my curse, i could not.....

is a good day

much as happened over the past 36 hrs, from the time of waking up on saturday to the fuck ups of the anniversary celebration, till this time now, much thoughts has but shared between shelly and me. we went home after all the screw ups on sat night, i could have tried to sleep it away, but something in me refuse to give in. i did think of doing that, but it did not feel right. shelly was not in the right mood to sleep as well. ok, i have to admit it, i cannot recall what transposed between the two of us early in the morn (remind me my dear, was it you or me who proposed the walk?), but it was decided that we would take a stroll in the still of the night, from paya lebar to serangoon road to my old place. the walk on talk session was enjoyable, she spoke much about her past, we had a stop over at bendemeer road for prata before making the final leg back to my old place. a couple of hours were spent there, and we fell asleep. breakfast was at jln besar macdonalds, hash brown was a long over due craving that she had for a week and yet not have the opportunity to have. i wanted very much to go with her, and am very glad i did. another stroll was ensure as we decided on a morning movie, hitch, i did fall asleep at certain point of the show and that pissed her a little. talked about the movie and went off to tampines, more talking till dinner with her family, more talking on way home back to paya lebar.

i know that there are fault lines in this relationship, much that i cannot amend, but that does not mean i wanna give up on it. i scares me that i might lose her, but it is the kind of fear that i am willing to have, cause i love her. both of us do crave for a certain level of stability, i want to carry that feeling that i had today with me always, if i could change the world, i would wanna to start differently with her, and i would still wanna love her and embrace her, but alas, due to the mistakes of the past have scarred bad. i dun ever wanna give up, i would still try. today is a glimpse of what it should have been, and i still believe that it is achievable. i need to look for the me a couple of years back, to put in more effort into this relationship. i love shelly, i really do, remove her from my life and you remove a part of me. i dun wanna to make her cry or angry, i just want to be the man she needs me to be, i want to grant her an save haven...shelly i want to let you know that i will never leave you, i know that the relationship is in turmoil now, but please dun give up on us. the feelings today was what i have sought for the longest time, just being with you. laughing crying and all.

there are still issues that needs ironing out, and new ones would appear, i dun know how this would affect the relationship, but i hoping very hard we would be strong enough to conquer.

how much

how much strain can a relationship take, today was another screw up, 1st month anniversary, and i have to fuck it up, again. they were all mocking at me, laughing at my stupidity. where has all the years gone to? where is the smart who thinks he knows it all? no where to be found. cannot even plan a fucking day out, lets face it, you are a fucking LOSER, you got married broke, and you shall remain broke. unromantic, uncreative, unspontaneous and a boring fuck. you think you know everything, but the fact is that you know nothing. go on, hide under the sheets and sleep it away, you fucking loser. you dun deserve love, or anything for that matter. you are just an egoistic broke bugger all wrap up in yourself, sprouting a few "clever" quotes here and there to making yourself look intelligent. 26 yrs of your life and a degree later you are still going nowhere. yep, just sit there and moat. thats just what you do every time anyway.

you are undeserving, of anything good in your life. improve yourself for fucks sake. your handwriting sucks and so do your typing. you suck at everything and you even suck at sucking. cannot plan, then fucking learn how. feeling sleepy eh? go and sleep it off, hide from the world, see if i care. useless.
look at the sorry state your are in now, yep, just fall asleep at the computer again, go on, sleep, you know u do that all the time.

suck it up and go on, love her, just love her, let that be the only source, the only reason, noting else really matters. work hard, work smarter, build a proper portfolio and get a better job. give her something, show her, prove to her that you are worthy of her love, words are cheap, prove it. make it happen, change, chamelous, change, 26 yrs of sitting around is enough, time to give more than you take out of life.