My fault, yet again

Her brother just did it once to many times
and all i did was just asking him not to do it again
my intent was just a firm voice i swear
but it came out all wrong
and she got angry
and i got defensive
and it all went horribly wrong

what i meant was firmness
she saw aggression
i have no defense against that
she saw what she saw
and no amount of explaining can reverse that
it all boils down to one point
one moment in time
when i made the mistake
of hurting her too deeply

i am sorry my love
my mistake i will carry
for all eternity
i was everything to you
and now i am nothing
it was me who ruin it
i know
you scarred for my mistake
and so did i

because you are in my life
i fought against all that haunts me
i became stronger
because you loved me
and i wanna be the man
that you will ever need
but i have failed, yet again

a friend told me
that no one should ever be responsible
for another's happiness
but when you utterly destroyed a person
do you not become responsible for that person
i have hurt you deep
so deep that it seems impossible to redeem myself
many times i feel like giving up
because you have given up on me

i am too set in my ways
my selfish ways
in my lazy ways
i am but a jaded soul
who feels have overstayed my time on this world
i only have one last breath
and i was only six feet from the edge
but i held on
that last breath
that breath of aggression
to suck it up and go

you gave me hope
you made me alive
you gave me my second and third breath
but at the expense of my living
i have selfishly hurt you
i am sorry
i know time can never be turned back
i know these scars will never heal
no matter what i do
i know you are waiting for your rescue
and i have exhausted my chances
but i still wanna try
i still love you
i always will
my guilt shall haunt me
forever

no one in this world
have i ever committed
a greater wrong
no one else in this world
has broken me as much as you did
for once in my life i feel alive
and yet i have to fuck it all up

alcoholic no more

i guess i have to finally admit it. i can't drink no shit no more! gone are the days when a bottle to red per night ain't gonna to to jack shit to my "soberness". now all it takes is a quick beer, or, like for this morn's case, less than half a bottle of wine and i am approaching the level of "lost cause". i have this love hate relationship with alcohol. it is a form of release, and yet it makes me feel utterly crap. i guess i am a very inhibited person, in the sense that i do not display much emotions (though i always blame it on the fact that i am emotionally undeveloped). that might also explain the inability to cry. WHATEVER! who gives a flying fuck, either way the simple fact is that i cannot drink as much as i could anymore. just a tiny bit of alcohol and i am a goner. and alcohol is a depressant, and to me a "dehibitor" as well. i guess the fact that i am not an emotive person allows the effects to come into play. it AMPLIFIES what i feel within me, and through that i am given the liberty to discard my "right side", ie the logic, which i utterly hate but has kept me alive and sustained to this date. ok... now i have lost my point for this entry... fuck i hate alcohol.

mistaken (iii)

he is on my mind
it seems as if i knew him
from somewhere
he looks sad
why don't you sleep a bit
i asked
i cannot sleep, i am disturbed by this person
in the photos, kissing me and all
its ok, i said
you have deleted all the photos
she apologized again
is ok, all is forgiven
rest well my darling
give your mind a rest
i shall see you again
and i shall love you more
all is forgiven
cause i love you so

mistaken (ii)

who are you
she asked
what are you doing in my bed
i am nobody
i replied
i am not a nice person
do you have somewhere to go
she asked again
yes i do, and i will leave soon
was my reply
i shall see you again
though you might not
recognized me anymore
i will still love you

mistaken

i am sorry
she says
i dun know who that is
its ok
i replied
thats fine
all is forgiven
i still love you
if not even more
i shall see you again
though you might not
recognized me anymore
i will still love you

emptiness

it was a long drive home, even though it was only a 15 minutes drive it felt like forever. because i am going home to no one. the room is empty, devoid of her. her presence lingers around, couple pieces of clothing lying around, the 2 shelves that belonged to her, and that smell that lingers. fragments of her, whatever thats left, bits and pieces etched into my senses.